Whatever
by sweetstrawberry211
Summary: The Lord of the Rings characters get together after the defeat of Sauron to have fun and tell each other classic twisted fairy tale stories that they know. )
1. Snow Brown

Chapter One: Snow Brown and the Seven Dwarves Disclaimer: I am not J.R.R Tolkien. I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters used in my fanfiction.  
  
A/N: Hee hee! My first ever chapter in my first ever fanfic! I'm a bit worried about what you guys'll think about it, but no matter. Read on!  
  
After the defeat of Sauron, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Arwen and Sam were sitting comfortably around a flickering fire, enjoying one another's company. Presently, Faramir and Eowyn joined the company.  
  
"Hi everyone!" exclaimed Eowyn happily, before bowing low in front of Aragorn.  
  
"My Lord." She said devilishly, looking up at him, a playful expression on her face.  
  
"Oh, get up, and don't be ridiculous, Eowyn," Aragorn said exasperatedly, "I get to relax for once, don't get me worked up now. "  
  
"Oh no! I would never dream of annoying you...my lord."  
  
Aragorn took a playful swipe at her, but she ducked laughing.  
  
"Women." He said to Faramir, who grinned.  
  
"Well, what will it be tonight?" Legolas asked.  
  
"It was my go last time..." said Pippin.  
  
"So it should be..." mulled Merry.  
  
"Gimli's go now." finished Sam.  
  
"My go?" said Gimli, in apparent surprise, though a twinkle was in his eye.  
  
"Oh, very well then lads...and ladies." He hastened to add after a look at Eowyn and Arwen.  
  
"Here we go! Once-"  
  
"Wait!" snapped Arwen, her eyes scanning the company, "Where's Frodo?"  
  
"He's gone, remember?" said Pippin, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Hey, you were crying," accused Merry, "Don't roll your eyes!"  
  
"So were you!" said Pippin.  
  
"Oh, come off it!" groaned Merry, "You know fully well that I was only crying 'cos you were crying!"  
  
"And I was only crying because Sam was crying!" said Pippin loudly.  
  
Everyone turned to look at Sam, who said quietly, "And I was only crying because when Frodo handed me that book, I gave myself a paper cut, and it hurt."  
  
"Actually, I'm rather glad that Gandalf's gone too," said Gimli, "He was a bit doddery if you ask me."  
  
Suddenly, a wind whipped up, and dark storm clouds formed. A deep, rumbling voice boomed menacingly, "Do not insult my memory, Gimli Son of Gloin, or else a gigantic raccoon shall fall on your head and kill you..." the voice faded and the clouds departed, revealing once again a clear, star-studded sky.  
  
After a brief pause of shock, Gimli said testily, "Right then, if I can continue..."  
  
"Of course, Gimli." said Arwen graciously.  
  
"Thank you. Now, my story is titled 'Snow Brown and the Seven Dwarves'.  
  
Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman who lived with her husband. One day, she was chopping vegetables, and noticed the beautiful shade of brown on the chopping board. She thought to herself, "one day, I should like a child who has teeth as white as snow (it was snowing outside), lips as red as tomatoes, and hair as brown as a chopping board.'  
  
So, she went to her husband, grabbed him by the collar, and said 'Right. I want a kid with teeth as white as snow, lips as red as tomatoes, and hair as brown as a chopping board.'  
  
'Okay, okay, calm down. I'll put an order in the stork' said her alarmed husband.  
  
Weeks went by, and the wife was getting impatient.  
  
Then one day, there was a knock at the door.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"One child, white teeth, red lips, brown hair?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Well, that'll be five dollars seventy."  
  
The wife closed the door, and gently opened the neatly wrapped package.  
  
It was the beginning of her new life.  
  
Or not. A short while later, the poor wife passed away.  
  
The husband got a new wife the next day, who was kind and fair. All animals adored her, and everyone could not help but like her. Snow Brown was bitter and resentful.  
  
Every day, she would ask her magic hairbrush 'Hairbrush, hairbrush, on the table, will she ever be more beautiful than I am able?'  
  
To which the hairbrush would reply 'Nup.'  
  
But the stepmother kept getting prettier sand prettier, until one day, Snow Brown asked the brush 'Hairbrush, hairbrush, on the table, will she ever be more beautiful than I am able/'  
  
The brush replied 'Girl, you've had it coming for years! I only answer 'no' to boost your ego! And now I think that your ego has been boosted quite enough. You may as well know. The stepmother is much prettier than you! Much prettier.'  
  
Snow Brown was furious! She sent for the local History teacher, who answered her summons immediately. Snow Brown ordered him to take the stepmother to the old mines, and bore her to death with information on American history. He agreed, and the following morning took the stepmother to the mines, and promptly started droning. The stepmother begged for mercy, and the history teacher relented.  
  
'Fine, fine. Run away into the old mines and die there instead!' he chuckled.  
  
The stepmother ran and ran, away into the shadows.  
  
Meanwhile, Snow Brown was dancing ecstatically in her room.  
  
'Hairbrush, hairbrush, on the table, will she ev-'  
  
'Nup.' said the brush tiredly.  
  
The stepmother ran for ages, when she heard voices singing. She stopped, and heard words.  
  
'Fun fun, fun fun, we don't talk to anyone, we live in a mine where jewels-and-gold-and-silver-and-other-things-we-like will shine, fun fun, fun fun!'  
  
Gimli paused, as his fellow companions were rolling on the ground, laughing.  
  
Only Aragorn, Arwen and Legolas restrained themselves from dissolving into hysterical laughing, but their faces were turning red from the effort.  
  
"Okay, I'm tired," said Gimli, "So to cut a long story short, the stepmother lives with the Seven Dwarves for years, and then she goes back to Snow Brown, and accidentally kills her by whacking a huge stone mallet over her head."  
  
There was a shocked silence.  
  
"Gimli, that's disgusting!" winced Eowyn.  
  
"That's the story!" said Gimli happily.  
  
"It was funny, admit it." Said Faramir, grinning.  
  
"Well, "said Aragorn, "I need to be getting back. Next time, why don't we meet in that White tree of Gondor place? At Minis Tirith?"  
  
"Fine with me." said Legolas.  
  
"Us too!" said Sam, Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Okay for us." Said Eowyn, shrugging.  
  
"Alright," Aragorn said, "Till next time, everyone!"  
  
"Goodbye Merry, Pippin, Arwen, Legolas, Gimli, Sam," Eowyn said, inclining her head to each person.  
  
"My Lord." She added with an ironic bow, before dragging Faramir away with her.  
  
"Come on you lot!" she called over her shoulder to the Hobbits. "We're going to see a movie! Coming?"  
  
Sam, Merry and Pippin bid goodbye to Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas and Gimli, and raced after Eowyn and Faramir.  
  
"You know what, Arrie?" said Gimli, "The way she teases you, I reckon she's still half in love with you!"  
  
With that, Gimli strolled off towards the forest, side by side with Legolas. Snippets of their conversation could be heard.  
  
"I killed five hundred and twenty at that last arcade game."  
  
"You're a liar, Gimli. I only killed four hundred and thirty seven! You could never beat me by that much if your life depended on it..."  
  
As their voices faded, Arwen and Aragorn stood up, and stamped out the dying fire, before heading back across the plain, hand in hand.  
  
Well, didya like it? Any questions, criticisms or comments (or anything really), please click on the 'Submit review' button after the beep, leave your name, number, yadda, yadda, yadda, and you will see your review posted as soon as possible. BEEP! 


	2. Rumplestiltspinn

Chapter Two: Rumlestiltspinnn Disclaimer: I am not J.R.R Tolkien, and I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters.  
  
A/N: Well, here is my first ever second chapter! Hehehe. Hope you liked the first one enough to read this one! Hehehe. Read on!  
  
"Welcome to the White Tree of Gondor place in Minis Tirith." said Aragorn to the company. "I see you all made it okay."  
  
"Yes, yes, we did," said Eowyn, "My..."  
  
Aragorn glared at her.  
  
"Good friend." She finished.  
  
Gimli cut Aragorn's groan short.  
  
"Well, where's the salty pork?"  
  
"What?" asked Aragorn confusedly.  
  
"The salty pork! Of fire, water, wind and air, I have hair!" shouted Gimli.  
  
Legolas laughed. Everyone looked alarmed.  
  
"Don't mind him," said Legolas, "I beat him by one hundred and forty three Orcs in that arcade game just now, and he went to the bar, and he's had a tad too much to drink."  
  
"Salty pork! Salty pork! Salty chicken! Salty fish sticks! Salty crabmeat! Salty salt! Salty toaster!"  
  
"Whatever." said Legolas.  
  
"Merry, Pippin, Samwise," said Arwen, "Go and dump him in that pond over there. The water'll help him come around."  
  
Merry, Pippin and Sam heaved Gimli over to the pond, and dumped him in the water.  
  
Gimli started splashing in the water.  
  
"Looky! Looky! I'm a tadpole! I'm a water duck!" "Oh, just leave him there." said Aragorn tiredly.  
  
"Whose go is it now, anyway?" asked Sam.  
  
"I do believe its mine." said Legolas.  
  
"Good, good." said Faramir.  
  
"Faramir! I didn't see you there!" said Pippin.  
  
Faramir rolled his eyes. Legolas cleared his throat. "Shall I begin?"  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"Okay. My story is called 'Rumplestiltspinn'.  
  
Once upon a time, there lived an Elven girl named...." Legolas cast around desperately for a name. "Arweninny. Arweninny was the beautiful daughter of a poor man named....Aragorneus (whose name means 'like an Aragorn'). They needed money, but could not find work. One day, a royal guy turned up from the palace in the far away city of...Gimmylylyly.  
  
He asked Aragorneus if he had any special talents that could entertain a king, but Aragorneus said no. Then, Aragorneus asked the royal guy, 'How much should one who can entertain a king be paid?'  
  
'I don't know,' replied the royal guy, 'but I'm betting that it would be a lot.'  
  
Aragorneus thought fast.  
  
'I have a daughter who can turn dead orcs into valuable fire opals!' he lied.  
  
'Really? Well, she can come with me.'  
  
The poor Arweninny found herself at the Royal palace, in a room full of dead orcs. The king himself visited her, and told her, 'Turn this room full of dead orcs into a room full of fire opals, and you will be rewarded.'  
  
Arweninny had no idea how to turn a room full of smelly orcs into fire opals, so she sat down and cried. All of a sudden, a drag queen fairy appeared in the room.  
  
Arweninny screamed.  
  
'Be QUIET, you silly girl. Why were you crying?'  
  
'Because, you stupid drag queen fairy, I have to turn this room full of stupid dead orcs into a room full of stupid fire opals.'  
  
'Well, if you give me something, I will turn this room of dead orcs into a room of fire opals!'  
  
'How?' asked Arweninny.  
  
'I-AM-A-FAIRY.' said the drag queen fairy slowly and loudly. 'I can do anything!'  
  
'Okay. What do you want in return?'  
  
'Your top. It's nice.'  
  
'Well, I suppose you are a drag queen.' She sighed. 'At least I have a tank top underneath.'  
  
'YAY! Okay, here we go...one....two...three...'  
  
POOF!  
  
When Arweninny looked up, she saw that all the dead orcs were gone, and were replaced with magnificent opals.  
  
'Thank you!' she said to the drag queen fairy.  
  
'No problem.'  
  
With a pop, the drag queen fairy was gone.  
  
Since the king was greedy and fat, he wanted more opals. So he drove her to Pelennor Fields, where there were thousands of dead orcs, and said, 'by the time I get back from my shopping spree at Easte Gardense, I expect to see this field covered in opals!'  
  
Now, Arweninny wasn't stupid, and she figured that if she cried like last time, the drag queen fairy would turn up again. So she cried. And the drag queen fairy turned up.  
  
'Okay, I know what you want. One...two....three...'  
POOF!  
  
The field was covered in glittering opals.  
  
'Now, what do you want this time?'  
  
'Your skirt. It's nice. '  
  
Arweninny looked horrified.  
  
'This skirt? No. No way. Nup. Never. This is my only skirt! And it's a Supre one too! I had to save up for years to but this skirt!'  
  
'Well, if you can't give me your skirt, give me your shoes.'  
  
'I don't have any shoes, you idiot.'  
  
'Well, nothing else of yours is of interest to me. But I can foresee you marrying the king, so when you do, he will buy a honeymoon present for you. Give me that honeymoon present. Then I will leave you alone.  
  
Time went by, and sure enough, the king fell in love with Arweninny, they got married. The king bought Arweninny nice dresses, and let her go on lots of shopping sprees, but on their honeymoon, he bought her a beautiful necklace and matching ring. She loved it, and wore it every day. She had long forgotten about the drag queen fairy.  
  
On the last day of their honeymoon, Arweninny was reading a book, when all of a sudden, the drag queen fairy appeared.  
  
'Well, well, well. What a nice honeymoon present! Aren't you lucky? Now, hand it over.'  
  
'Who the hell are you?' screamed Arweninny, 'What do you want?'  
  
'Ah, don't you remember? You made a deal. To hand over your honeymoon present. Remember? When I helped you out of a rather sticky spot, years ago.'  
  
Arweninny remembered.  
  
'No!!! Please, let me keep my necklace and ring! Please! Anything else!'  
  
The drag queen took pity on her, despite the fact that she was being rather vain.  
  
'Alright then. If you can guess the name of my pet rat, then I will never bother you again. You have three days, from the second you arrive back in the palace. I will come to you every evening, and you may give me your guesses then.'  
  
Arweninny despaired. She told her husband everything, and he summoned royal guys to search the land for every name possible.  
  
On the first evening, Arweninny gave her first guesses. To every name, the drag queen fairy said 'nope!' On the second evening, Arweninny was getting desperate. She gave names like Iamasmellymummy, and Peterpeterpetepete, but nothing worked. Just as the drag queen fairy was about to leave for the evening, Arweninny said  
  
'Wait! How could I be so stupid! I read about a story like this once! Is Rumplestiltspinn your pet rat's name?' The fairy looked at her.  
  
'Is it?'  
  
'How did you know! The devil told you! The devil told you- nah, just joking, love.'  
  
The fairy vanished with a pop.  
  
Arweninny was ready to give up, but then a royal guy came running to her side. ......I heard........a guy singing.....................and.........I have a name that you haven't......tried yet.'  
  
'Yes, well, what is it?'  
  
'I saw a weirdo dancing around a rock, and heard him singing. The words to his song were:  
  
My rat is Bob, my rat is Bob,  
  
He likes to eat corn on the cob,  
  
The queen will never guess my rat is Bob,  
  
I'm a drag queen fairy,  
  
Blob, blob, blob.  
  
'Thank you, royal guy!' exclaimed the queen.  
  
She ran out to the garden to meet the fairy.  
  
He appeared right on time.  
  
'Well, your guesses?'  
  
The queen tried all of her usual ridiculous names, but then, after about half an hour, she said, 'Is your rats name.....Bob?'  
  
The fairy turned orange. 'Who told you? Who told you?' the fairy rumbled, now turning scarlet.  
  
'A royal guy.'  
  
'Oh, okay then. I just wanted to know. I won't bother you again. Ta ta!'  
  
"And that," Legolas said, "Is the end of the story."  
  
"Very nice." said Arwen.  
  
"Oh, and sorry about the whole 'Arweninny' and 'Aragorneus', and 'Gimmylylyly' thing, but I was stuck for names."  
  
"Oh, that's alright, Legolas." Said Arwen. "It was very entertaining!"  
  
"Legolas, wheredya get that weird song?" asked Merry.  
  
"Oh, I went to '. It's quite fun."  
  
"Let's go!" said Pippin.  
  
"Yeah! I wanna make a weird song too!"  
  
With that, the three hobbits jumped up, and were about to race out, when Aragorn said  
  
"Hang on a second. Where will our next meeting be?"  
  
"How about....my father's place, where you had that meeting ages ago, where the Fellowship was formed?"  
  
"How did you know about that?" asked Aragorn, "You weren't there!"  
  
"That's all you know." Said Arwen cheekily. "You were very handsome then. I don't know if you're quite so good looking now."  
  
"Gee, thanks." said Aragorn, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Okay, okay. Can we go now?" asked Sam impatiently.  
  
"Yes, you three can go. Have fun making weird songs!"  
  
Faramir and Eowyn started to leave, but Arwen said "Don't be ridiculous! It's too dark out now, and it's late. Stay the night. We can all go down and have a drink or snack of something."  
  
"Really? Thanks, that'd be great." said Eowyn gratefully.  
  
"Just so long as you stop flirting with my husband." Arwen added, before racing down the steps.  
  
Eowyn chased her all the way, even though she had no chance of catching her.  
  
Aragorn and Faramir followed at a slower pace, and there was a nice feeling in the air, as the four friends sat down to eat and drink and chat.  
  
"Hey, we forgot about Gimli!" slurred Arwen.  
  
"You've had enough to drink." said Aragorn firmly. He took her cup and lay her down on a couch.  
  
Eowyn and Faramir had already fallen asleep.  
  
"All I know right now, Aragorn, is that I will have a massive hangover tomorrow."  
  
"Ah, well, sleep it off."  
  
"Okay, I will."  
  
"And you're an Elf. I didn't know Elves could lose control and get drunk."  
  
"Well, then you don't know much."  
  
"I know a lot, thank you."  
  
"Roast turkey."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
But Arwen had fallen asleep.  
  
"Sweet dreams."  
  
Well, I don't think that I did a very good job on that chapter, but anyway. Send in a review! Whether you think that it's good or pathetic, I still want to hear from you! 


	3. Hansel and the Kettle

Chapter Three: Hansel and the kettle Disclaimer: I am not J.R.R Tolkien, and I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings  
  
characters. I should also probably say that I also do not own any of the real fairy tale  
  
characters that I am using. But I do own my drag queen fairy, and various other brilliant  
  
characters made up by brilliant me.  
  
A/N: Okay, my second chapter wasn't incredibly good, but I'll try and make this chapter better. I hope you've all been liking and enjoying my fanfic, and that you'll keep reviewing. Hehehe. This story is sadder than my others, and it's not really a parody. Just a sort of related story using Hansel as the main character. And it's not as funny, either. But anyway.....Read on!  
  
"Did I do anything embarrassing?" asked Gimli.  
  
Everyone giggled. Or more like, roared with laughter. Their laughter scared away a group of birds who were enjoying the afternoon sun. The group was gathered in the same place that the Fellowship of the Ring was formed, so long ago.  
  
"Oh, Gimli," said Arwen, "It was so funny!"  
  
"You can talk," said Aragorn, "You went to sleep drunk, and your last words before you fell asleep were 'roast turkey'."  
  
Arwen blushed, and it was Legolas who found the fact of a drunken Arwen the funniest.  
  
"Legolas, if you tell any other Elf in Middle Earth..." Arwen started warningly.  
  
"Don't worry." Legolas grinned. And a few passing female Elves fainted, because they  
  
thought that he was smiling at them. (And I know that the Elves are meant to be gone  
  
already, but anyway...)  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes.  
  
"Anyway, DID I DO ANYTHING STUPID?" Gimli roared.  
  
More birds scattered.  
  
"Oh, not really," said Sam.  
  
"Except for the fact that you kept raving about salty toasters." said Merry.  
  
"And the fact that you declared to the world that you have hair." said Pippin.  
  
"And the fact that Sam, Merry and Pippin dumped you in the pond, where you announced that you were a water duck." said Eowyn.  
  
Gimli flushed.  
  
"Don't worry, Gimli." said Faramir kindly.  
  
"Anyway, whose turn?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Ooh! It's ours!" said Merry and Pippin in unison. They had to tell a story together, for, as usual, they would not be parted.  
  
"Alright," said Legolas, leaning back on his chair, "Let's get started, shall we?"  
  
"Okay. Our story is called Hansel and the kettle. Hem hem...  
  
Once upon a time there was a pair of young, married Hobbits. They had a son, named Hansel. Hansel was really cute, but he was bored a lot. He asked his parents one day, when he was ten,  
  
"Can you guys have another kid? I want some one to play with."  
  
The parents didn't want another kid, and they weren't very smart. So they got Hansel a kettle, and drew eyes and a mouth on the front, using the spout as a nose. They gave it to Hansel, who was not impressed. He thought to himself,  
  
'My parents are so dumb. I'd be way better off without them.'  
  
So he made a plan. An evil plan (Mwahahahaha). Despite the fact that he was only ten, he was highly ambitious and clever and cunning.  
  
His plan was to take his parents into the deep, dark forest, and leave them there. Then he would get a job at the hospital in town, make some money, and get a life. So one sunny afternoon, he announced that he had organised a picnic. The parents whispered to one another.  
  
"What the hell has gotten into Hansel???"  
  
"Why is he being so nice and agreeable?"  
  
"D'ya reckon that he's sick?"  
  
"Dunno... check his temperature..."  
  
Hansel thought to himself,  
  
"Am I really such a bad kid that when I want a family outing, my parents think that it's unusual? When I'm nice, does it seem off character?"  
  
Hansel felt bad for about half a second. Then he thought,  
  
"Oh well. At least when my parents are gone, I will have a proper life. And I can live happily with Kettle."  
  
Hansel packed all of his possessions into a backpack. He decided to carry Kettle, as she was his only friend.  
  
"God, I must be pathetic," thought Hansel, "Talking to a kettle and all."  
  
Hansel felt bad immediately, as Kettle, although she never talked, was a great listener. She listened patiently to all of his complaints and criticisms.  
  
Hansel's parents, although they weren't too clever, were very nice people. So they played right into Hansel's hands, without knowing it. They were so thrilled that Hansel really wanted a picnic with them, as a family. So they packed a delicious lunch, and made up two baskets. One was for them, with crackers and sandwiches and cold meats.  
  
The second was for Hansel. Inside Hansel's basket were cakes, finger sandwiches, sausage rolls, cookies, and all the nicest things that the parents could find in their house. Hansel felt bad for about one second (Improvement on last time), but then thought,  
  
"Well, they're probably gonna die anyway, and I'll need food on the road to success, so I deserve the better basket with more food. Kettle might get hungry, too."  
  
So, the family set off for the woods, and Hansel led them to a small, shady clearing. Of course, this whole scheme had taken a lot of planning, and Hansel had often wandered with Kettle around the woods, to make sure that he knew every twist and turn in the trees, so that he could get out easily. But his poor parents had never been into the woods, and they would get lost easily, if left alone. And that was exactly what Hansel planned to do. (Mwahahahahaha).  
  
Hansel pretended to be enjoying himself, eating a little, but saving the rest. His parents soon settled down for an afternoon nap. When their breathing had become deep and regular, Hansel grabbed Kettle, and his own food basket, and crept away from the clearing. Leaving his poor parents all alone, where they would starve to death.  
  
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hansel yelled as he danced down the road, towards the nearest town.  
  
"Whaddaya think, Kettle?!?" But as usual, Kettle gave no reply. Even though Kettle never, ever replied to anything, Hansel still talked to her.  
  
"As if you could talk," Hansel muttered,  
  
"Your nose it all blocked up with cement, your lid is stuck down, and your mouth is drawn on in permanent texta. Stupid parents."  
  
Hansel blamed everything that went wrong in his life on either his parents, or Kettle. That night, Hansel couldn't sleep.  
  
"Stupid Kettle."  
  
The next morning, Hansel lost a penny out of his pocket.  
  
"Stupid parents."  
  
That afternoon, Hansel dropped a cookie in the dirt, and then he trod on it by accident.  
  
"Stupid Kettle."  
  
And so on and so forth.  
  
It was several days walk before Hansel reached the first town. He asked every shop, but no-one needed work.  
  
"Stupid parents."  
  
He found a cheap inn, and stayed two nights. His food had run out by then, and so he had to buy some more. Hansel was a rather cheapo kind of person, so he hated spending money. He always bought the cheapest stuff he could find. So he went to Go-slow for his food. He bought canned bread, canned fish, canned carrot, canned cake, canned fruit, canned pasta and canned, canned, canned everything. Fresh stuff was too expensive.  
  
So he walked for another five days. He reached the next town, and asked for work in every shop. He even asked at a cork sorting shop. Nothing at all. No-one needed work.  
  
"Stupid Kettle."  
  
He needed yet more food. So, off he went to the Reject Pop, to buy canned food.  
  
Hansel turned eleven the next day. He went and bought himself some canned lemon tart as a present.  
  
"If my parents were here, they would have cooked up a great dinner, and given me the best presents that they could afford."  
  
Hansel thought to himself. He felt bad for a minute. Then he thought,  
  
"But I don't need them anymore. They had no ambition, no nothing. They only had love and niceness. And in the real world, that will get you nowhere."  
  
He placed Kettle down on the ground next to him as he ate his canned lemon tart with an aluminium spoon.  
  
Hansel suddenly became annoyed at the fact that he still hadn't found work. He took out his anger on poor Kettle.  
  
"Kettle, why don't you ever try to help? You're meant to be my friend! And here I am, trying to improve my life, all by myself! Why don't you ever do anything? You're just like my parents, never helping, and never doing anything for you! I hope that they get eaten up, like in that story, Gransel and Hettle! I hate them! I am so glad that I left! What happened to 'We're your parents, Hansel, and we love you' and stuff like that! Well, it's my birthday, and they're not here! So some parents they turned out to be! I never loved you and I never will!"  
  
Hansel, full of selfish rage, picked up Kettle and threw her at a the ground. She smashed into a million pieces. Hansel, blind with his idiotic fury, kept yelling and stamping. Then, he noticed a folded piece of paper, lying in amongst the remains of his old and defeated friend, Kettle. He snatched it up, and unfolded it. He recognised his mother's handwriting.  
  
"Dear Hansel,"  
  
He read,  
  
"I know that at some point, you will open this kettle.  
  
You are so curious; you must wonder why it is all blocked up.  
  
Whether you accidentally drop it, or smash it on purpose, your eyes will one day read this letter. I originally planned to tell you this news when you were seven, but it seemed that you were so young. Too young.  
  
But then you asked for a friend. We gave you a kettle. I took my chance, and hid the letter in the kettle. I know that you are a highly ambitious and determined boy, and that I recently heard you talking to your kettle.  
  
I heard all of your plotting. It became apparent that, despite the fact that we were doing all we could to make you happy, well, we were in your way.  
  
We were obscuring your path to success, we were a distraction. So your father and I decided to make a final sacrifice for you.  
  
We would go along with your plan, when you decided to put it into motion.  
  
I waited, knowing that I had little time to live. Your father and I were willing to die for your success and happiness. You are obviously going to be better off without us. I would be leaving you anyway, Hansel. I am dying. I wish that the last of my precious time with you could have been on better terms, and I wish that we might have bonded more as mother and son, but now I will rest in peace, knowing that you are on the way to achieving your goal. I must admit, putting all of my faith and trust in the success of a ten year old boy made me a bit nervous. But you are intelligent. You have intelligence beyond your years.  
  
With your determination and ambition, I know that you will make the most of your life. There is another envelope enclosed. It is all of our savings. Practically all of the money that your father and I ever owned.  
  
Of course, a little went towards necessities, but the rest went here. Which is why, Hansel, as much as we wanted to, we never spent a lot of money on presents.  
  
I am sorry, for your miserable childhood with us. I only wish that we could have been better parents. Remember, we will always, always love you. Even if your heart is cold to us, we love you. -Your loving mother, Helena.  
  
A tear fell from Hansel's eye. Then another, and another. Hansel folded up the letter and put it away, to avoid ruining it. A thick paper envelope was sitting on the ground. Hansel picked it up with trembling hands. He stopped thinking like a selfish, mean old man, and began thinking like the eleven year old boy that he was. He had left his parents to die. He had broken Kettle, his only companion. He gingerly swept up Kettle's remains, and put them in his bag. He folded up his mother's letter, and put that on top of the broken Kettle. Tears streamed from his eyes as he ran.  
  
"What in the world was I thinking? I am an eleven year old boy! I need my parents. I did love them, but I was blinded by my own selfishness. How did I think that I was going to cope???"  
  
Hansel thought back to all the nice things that his parents had done for him. Cooking delicious meals for his birthday. Making sure that he got the best things possible. Letting him sleep on the only bed when it was cold, even though that meant that they had to sleep on the dirt floor with a blanket. Going out into the snow and ice to find a dropped toy or scarf, without a thought to their own well being. His mother had been slowly dying, but still managed to care for him, and manage his every need.  
  
Hansel stopped for only a few hours here and there, to nap beside the road. Then he would jump up, and keep running. People stared at him, but he ignored them. After several solid days of running, Hansel's feet were sore and blistered. But he kept running, until the small house in the wood appeared. Hansel dumped his things inside, and then ran into the forest. After a while, he saw a man's figure sitting under a tree. He ran towards it, shouting  
  
"Dad! It's me! Hansel!"  
  
But no-one replied. As he reached the figure, he fell to the ground. He lifted up the man's head. It was his father. Hansel put his ear near his father's mouth, to catch a breath, a word, anything. Hansel felt a small, faint breath on his ear. Incredibly, amazingly, his father was still alive.  
  
"Hansel..." his father's last whispered word reached his ear.  
  
Hansel's eyes filled with tears. Through the blur, he noticed a hole in the ground. Hansel wiped away tears, and saw, with a painful stab in his heart, his mother's body lying in a dug grave. Hie father, Hansel realized, must have used the last of his strength to dig his mother's grave.  
  
A scream echoed through the woods. It was a scream full of sadness and anguish, and made anyone who heard it despair.  
  
There were some woodcutters in another section of the woods, for the first time ever. They came running, towards the source of the scream. They found Hansel crouched near his mother's grave, crying his heart out. They picked him up, and looked at the dead people, and then at one another. They nodded at each other, and carried the boy away, into their part of the wood. As they walked, Hansel kept crying, "I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry..." Merry and Pippin's voices faded, marking the end of the story.  
  
There was a long silence after the end of Merry and Pippin's story. "Oh, boys," said Eowyn, "That was so sad."  
  
"And so off character." said Aragorn.  
  
"Well, at least it's not true." said Sam, as if to comfort himself.  
  
"But still..." Eowyn looked sad.  
  
"Anyway," said Gimli, as if to lighten the mood, "Last time we met, weren't you lads off to make weird songs? Can we hear one?"  
  
"Sure!" said Pippin, "We made loads. Give us any topic, and we are guaranteed to have made a song about it."  
  
"Hmm..." mused Gimli, "How about salty pork?"  
  
"Gimli, thanks to you, that's the first one we made!" Sam declared.  
  
"Let's hear it!" said Faramir happily.  
  
Eowyn, who seemed to have been truly touched by the story, glared at his, as if to ask how anyone could be happy after such a sad ending to a story.  
  
"Okay. Ready? Here goes!  
  
'Salty pork, salty pork,  
  
Gimli likes it, he's a dork.  
  
Salty pork is kind of nice,  
  
But not as good as cows with lice!"  
  
"Err... what the hell?" asked Faramir.  
  
"It's our salty pork song!" said Pippin indignantly.  
  
"Yeah! Don't bag out our song!" said Merry.  
  
"I wasn't!" said Faramir, "I just think that it's very....original."  
  
Everyone laughed.  
  
"Well, it's getting late," said Sam, "I'd better be getting home to Rosie."  
  
"I think that we'd better be getting back too." said Eowyn reluctantly.  
  
"Yeah, we should be leaving too." said Arwen.  
  
"Well, next time, we can meet at my place," Sam said, "Rosie is going to visit some friends, and she's taking the kids with her."  
  
"Okay," said Legolas, "Does everyone agree on Sam's place then?"  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"Alright," said Aragorn, "Till next time, then."  
  
All of the friends stood up, and parted under the moonlit sky.  
  
Well, was it any good? Be sure to review and let me know! (Somehow I think that my chapters are deteriorating in quality, but anyway....review and let me know =P ) 


	4. Beauty and the Yeast

Chapter Four: Beauty and the Yeast  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters used in my story.  
  
A/N: Still no reviews rolling in....oh well. I'll update and see what happens... Enjoy the story...oh, and be sure to check out my other story, Dream on. Its Harry Potter. Hehehe...read on............  
  
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"Welcome, welcome. To my humble abode." Sam invited all of his guests into his house.  
  
He counted all the heads.  
  
"Where are Eowyn and Faramir? They're late!"  
  
"Don't fuss, Samwise, don't fuss, we're here."  
  
Eowyn's voice rang out.  
  
Sam glared.  
  
"You were meant to be here three minutes ago!"  
  
"Hey, Sam, relax!" Merry patted him on the arm.  
  
"Yeah! It's not like you're planning a Bilbo party or anything!"  
  
"I know, I know," Sam sighed heavily, "But I've never had this many people in my house at one time!"  
  
Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Eowyn, and Faramir all followed Sam into his living room, which was nice and cosy with puffy couches, chairs, and a fireplace. A table was set with snacks and drinks.  
  
"No salty pork, Gimli, I'm afraid." said Legolas slyly.  
  
"Ah, will you never let that rest???"  
  
"No, I'm afraid."  
  
Arwen grinned. "Yeah, that's right. Not only are Elves great looking and immortal, we also have impeccable memory capabilities."  
  
"Oooh, Arwen's using biggish words today!" Pippin laughed.  
  
"You're not immortal anymore." Aragorn murmured into her ear.  
  
Arwen smiled at him softly.  
  
"I know. And I don't care."  
  
"Oooh! Aragorn's getting mushy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"And you Hobbits are getting immature!" Aragorn replied.  
  
"Yeah right, Aragorn. You're just jealous cos you're so old."  
  
"Yeah, right Pippin, you're just jealous. How long that cheeky head stays on your shoulders is completely in my power."  
  
"Aah, but nice old Aragorn wouldn't decapitate a good friend, would he?"  
  
"No, Pippin, I wouldn't." Aragorn admitted.  
  
Gimli cleared his throat for about five minutes, and when he was done, everyone stared at him.  
  
"Well, we're wasting time. Who is telling this time?"  
  
Everyone looked at everyone.  
  
Everyone else looked at everyone else.  
  
And everyone looked at everyone again.  
  
"Oh, yeah, it's my go." Eowyn snapped out of a daze.  
  
Everone looked at everyone else and rolled their eyes.  
  
"Hey, if you keep rolling your eyes at me, I won't tell my story! Okay, my story is called Beauty and the Yeast. But before I start, here's a little prologue. I presume you all know that other story, Beauty and the Beast?"  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"Well, this is set in the same town, but after the whole falling in love with the beast thing happened. BELLE AND BEASTY ARE GONE. Okay? Good. Here goes....."  
  
Eowyn took a deep breath and began to tell her story.  
  
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful young girl called Carpentaritaritaria. She worked as a baker in the local town called Siddenneeey.  
  
Every guy in town liked Carpentaritaritaria, but she didn't like any of them. All the local boys were either fat, smelly, or green.  
  
One day, Carpentaritaritaria was kneading bread dough, and had to get some yeast. All the shops were closed, except the dodgy shop on the corner, called McDodgees. Carpentaritaritaria had no choice. She went into McDodgees and bought a dodgy looking packet of yeast. The use by date hadn't passed, so she supposed it was alright.  
  
She went back to the bakery, and added the dodgy yeast to her mix. She moulded it and shaped it into a loaf shape. Her father, who was dead, had always told her to sprinkle five handfuls of flour ontop of a loaf to make it taste nicer. Carpentaritaritaria was very tired, so she grabbed the flour box, grabbed five handfuls of what was inside, and dropped it in one big clump ontop of the bread loaf.  
  
The next morning, Carpentaritaritaria baked the loaf, and played a Lame- Toy, with the latest Pooper Mario game while she was waiting. (A/N: If you're wondering about the lack of customers, well, there was a Baker's Delight right next door, and every one went there. That's why she only bakes one loaf of bread at a time. On the rare occasion that someone buys a loaf of bread, she just goes and makes another one.) When the bread was ready, she took it out. Her working hours were from ten o clock to twelve o clock. So she waited for two hours, and then closed up shop.  
  
The poor loaf was still sitting there uneaten, so Carpentaritaritaria cut off the end where she had sprinkled the flour, and ate that. She was full after the bread, and so she decided to go for a walk, and feed the ducks. She stopped for a coffee on the way back.  
  
Carpentaritaritaria went to bed early that night, because she wanted to wake up early and bake TWO loaves of bread! She felt that maybe tomorrow would be a better day.  
  
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!  
  
Carpentaritaritaria woke up the next day, and got out of bed. Or tried. She rolled off the bed, onto the floor. She couldn't get up. Then she realized. She was poofed up like a balloon.  
  
"What's happened to me?" she thought hysterically, "Why am I a human balloon!?!?!?!"  
  
She thought over the events of the previous day. Feeding the ducks, drinking coffee, buying yeast, making dough, sprinkling flour....sprinkling flour!  
  
She realized that instead of reaching for the flour on her left, she had reached for the packet on her right! YEAST! She had swallowed five full handfuls of yeast!  
  
"Right," she thought, "That's the LAST TIME I ever buy ANYTHING from McDodgees."  
  
She got herself up from the floor with great difficulty, and lumbered out of her bedroom door. She'd have to face people sooner or later, it had better be sooner.  
  
As soon as she stepped out side of the bakery, everyone stared at her. One kid rode past on a bicycle and screamed, "LOOK!!!!!!!IT"S THE BEAST!!!!!!!!!THE BEAST HAS RETURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Stupid kid." muttered Carpentaritaritaria.  
  
She waddled down the street, aware of everyone staring.  
  
All of her former admirers looked at her in disgust and horror. Nobody recognised her.  
  
Luckily, Carpentaritaritaria knew of a nice little hideout, inside of a great, gloomy castle, where she knew a horrific monster had once dwelled.  
  
She lumbered along the darkening path, until she reached her destination. Carpentaritaritaria pushed open the creaky door, and stepped inside the castle.  
  
"Phew, it's hot!" Carpentaritaritaria said to herself, "Actually, it's been extremely hot for about four days now! Absolutely sweltering."  
  
Carpentaritaritaria found a nice comfy spot on the ground, as she was now too fat to fit into a chair.  
  
"Ah, well," Carpentaritaritaria sighed, "I'll go to the village once a week to get money out of my account and buy food. I'll just hang out here."  
  
Weeks went past, and Carpentaritaritaria continued to live in this pathetic way.  
  
One day, there was a knock at the door. Carpentaritaritaria answered.  
  
A skinny, handsome random guy brandished a shiny sword.  
  
"Innocent villagers have told me of the foul beast which dwells inside this castle. I will kill you now and rid the villagers of their troubles!"  
  
Carpentaritaritaria screamed as he took a swipe at her.  
  
"No! You don't understand!"  
  
The random handsome guy took another swipe.  
  
"I'm just a girl! I ate some Mc Dodgees yeast, and I blew up!"  
  
The random handsome guy stopped swiping for a moment, and looked at her, astonished.  
  
"Even though you're an ugly beast, surely you know not to ever, ever buy ANYTHING from McDodgees???"  
  
He took a jab at her stomach.  
  
"NO!!! YOU STUPID, STUPID, RANDOM PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS OUT OF YEAST, AND MCDODGEES WAS THE ONLY STORE OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"You vulgar, weird beast! I will kill you!" The random guy began to chase her, with his arms and sword flailing.  
  
Carpentaritaritaria gave a yell, and took off. Slowly. She couldn't run very fast because of her poofy tummy.  
  
Luckily, the skinny guy was very unfit, and he could run about as fast as Carpentaritaritaria could.  
  
"Evil creature! I will puncture your stomach, and watch you die! And then I'll return to the village and get the ten million dollar reward for killing you!"  
  
Carpentaritaritaria screamed at him as she ran.  
  
"YOU ARE AN IDIOT! I AM NOT A BEAST! MY NAME IS CARPENTARITARITARIA HA, AND I AM A RESIDENT OF THE VILLAGE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK! I OWN A BAKERY!"  
  
"You evil thing! Such respectable people would not employ a beast to work!"  
  
"I'M TELLING YOU, YOU STUPID SKINNY RANDOM PERSON, I AM NOT A BEAST!"  
  
And do on and so forth.  
  
After about one and a half hours of running, they both made it to the top summit, which turned out to be three hundred metres from where the entrance door was, and it had a thirty centimetre incline.  
  
But of course, the poofed up Carpentaritaritaria and the unfit skinny guy were completely exhausted by the time they got there.  
  
"You feral beast! I will cut you from head to toe."  
  
Carpentaritaritaria suddenly felt very cold. She noticed the random guy shivering too in the cold wind.  
  
Carpentaritaritaria's teeth began to chatter. She felt strange, like she was being compressed. Slowly, she began to deflate.  
  
"Of course! Yeast rises in heat, and goes down in the cold!" she laughed out loud.  
  
The random guy stared as she twirled around, getting skinnier and skinnier.  
  
When she was all deflated, she looked like the beautiful Carpentaritaritaria once again.  
  
"Umm, sorry," the random guy began, "There seems to have been a mix up. But you're really quite pretty. Do you reckon you could marry me?"  
  
"Gosh, you must be desperate. And you're so random!" Carpentaritaritaria took pity on him.  
  
"You're good looking and all, but you're just too much of an idiot for my liking. How about I take you back to the village as my friend, and I will find you a nice, stupid, blonde bimbo, and you can get hitched with her instead."  
  
"Okay! That sounds good! Thanks!"  
  
And they walked out together on good terms.  
  
"The end." Eowyn finished.  
  
"Very nice." Merry said.  
  
"Anyone want a rockmelon?" asked Sam.  
  
"Sam! What did you think of my story???"  
  
"Oh, it was good! I just like rockmelon."  
  
Eowyn sighed.  
  
Legolas came to her rescue. (A/N: sigh..... =)  
  
"No, it was a very good story. I liked it."  
  
Eowyn smiled at him gratefully.  
  
"Thanks. I was a bit nervous, that's all."  
  
"No, no, it was very good. I couldn't see that you were nervous at all." Legolas smiled back. (A/N: sigh..... =)  
  
"Yeah. I reckon it'd be cool to puff up like that."  
  
"No!" Arwen said, horrified, "You'd be fat!"  
  
"I wouldn't care if you were fat." Aragorn said.  
  
Arwen smiled up at him again.  
  
"Err...Aragorn, what's with all the lovey dovey stuff today?" Faramir asked innocently.  
  
"Honestly Faramir, you're worse than the young ones."  
  
Faramir grinned. "I know."  
  
Arwen groaned.  
  
"Well, Aragorn, are we going home? I'm really slee-ee-py." Arwen tried to stifle a yawn.  
  
"Well, what were you two doing last night to make you so tired?" Merry said in Faramir's innocent voice.  
  
Arwen cuffed him around the head with one hand.  
  
"Hey, what was that for?"  
  
"For being a weirdo with a weird mind."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Since Arwen was glaring at Merry with a look that could cut through an iceberg the size of fifty seven thousand African elephants, Eowyn came to the rescue.  
  
"Hey, we're going now too. We'll walk out with you."  
  
"Great. Legolas, better get Gimli going."  
  
"Alright. Gimli?" Legolas prodded Gimli's arm.  
  
"He's fallen asleep!" Faramir whispered.  
  
"I wondered why he was so quiet!" murmured Eowyn.  
  
Legolas took a deep breath, and hollered  
  
"GIMLI IF YOU DON'T GET UP NOW THE EVIL TREE WILL COME AND EAT YOUR SALTY PORK!"  
  
"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My salty pork!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gimli jerked awake.  
  
Everyone stared.  
  
"Whatever. Now, where can we go next time?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Er, I guess you can come to our house." Faramir offered.  
  
"YEAH!" Pippin and Merry and Sam punched the air. Faramir had a cool house with automatic everything, and arcade games.  
  
"All for our house?" Eowyn asked.  
  
Every hand shot up.  
  
Eowyn grinned.  
  
"Alright. See you all later."  
  
Everyone bid their goodbye's, and departed in good spirits.  
  
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Well, that was an extra, extra long chapter. Send me a review and tell me what you think! 


	5. Cinderella

**Chapter Five: Cinderella**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters used in my story.

**A/N: **Hehehe. Um, here's my fifth chapter. Hope you like it! And lots of thanks to crystaldreams611 and glitterysnowflake, who have been recommending my stories. Please go and check out their stories too! They are REALLY REALLY GOOD!

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Exclamations of "Whoa!", "Hey, check this out!", and "Is this new???"

floated down the hallway of Faramir's gigantic mansion.

Everything in Faramir's house was automatic. If you told the fridge to open, it opened. If you told the lights to turn on, they would turn on. If you told the phone to call someone, it would call.

Merry, Pippin and Sam stood on the automatic moving hallway rug (A/N: You know, like one of those flat, black, conveyor belt things that you find in airports.), which took them to the main living room.

"Hey, look!" Merry exclaimed, "Faramir's had a cool new extended games room put on!"

An smooth, electronic voice stated clearly, "Please sit down and make yourselves comfortable. Faramir and Eeooowinn will be with you shortly."

"Dammit!" came Eowyn's voice from along the corridor, "That stupid electronic welcomer still can't pronounce my name properly!"

Eowyn and Faramir appeared in the doorway.

"Hello you three. Isn't anybody here yet?"

"Well, we all arrived together," Pippin started.

"But Aragorn and Arwen are checking out your swimming pool and spa room," Sam added.

"And everyone else went to check out the arcade rooms." Merry finished.

Eowyn grinned.

"But you, I suppose, being mature young Hobbits, came straight here?"

"You bet!" Sam said.

At that moment, the electronic voice called out, "Alert! Alert! A number of ale bottles and hot pies have gone missing from the food store! ALERT! ALERT!!!"

Faramir and Eowyn turned to look at the guilty Hobbits.

"Came straight here, eh?" said Faramir, raising an eyebrow.

The three Hobbits looked at each other.

"Well..............................................."

"You see............................................"

"We were.........................................."

"Yeeeeeeessss????" Faramir asked.

"Um....er.......LOOK! Here's everyone else!" said Pippin, welcoming the distraction.

"Welcome everyone. I hope that you have all finished exploring my house?" Faramir said, smiling around at everyone.

Eowyn was smiling too, but all of a sudden she dissolved into a serious case of hysterics.

"Eowyn???" Faramir prodded her with his foot, because she was rolling on the floor, with tears in her eyes.

"LOOK!!!!!AHAHAHAHAHAHA AT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GIMLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone looked around, and saw Gimli standing in a pink sarong with one of those coconut top things, and a pineapple hat.

"GIMLI!" hooted Faramir, "What are you wearing????"

Gimli scowled.

Legolas stepped in to help Gimli, who seemed incapable of speech.

"We made another bet. The loser of the "How many orcs can you kill in twelve hours" game, and the loser had to dress up in a sarong and a coconut bra thingy. I obviously won, and so Gimli has to suffer at least five hours dressed like this." Legolas explained.

"Hmm...." Arwen mused, "And just where did you find this interesting array of clothing?"

"I found it in his closet!" Legolas hooted.

Everyone stared at Gimli, who was turning steadily redder, and burst out laughing.

The electronic voice interrupted their laughter.

"Food and drinks now being served. Please stand away from the table."

Everyone stopped staring at Gimli, and turned to stare at the table instead.

The table top slid away, and was replaced with another platform, which was sporting numerous different kinds of finger food and drink.

Faramir laughed at their open mouths and wide eyed stares.

"Well, come on! Dig in! And the story teller can begin. Who is it today?"

Arwen spoke up.

"It's me, I do believe."

"Yay! Start, start, start!" the Hobbits chanted.

"My story is titled Cinderella. Now...

Once upon a time there lived a really hideous girl named Cinderella.

She lived happily in a big house with her mother and father. Then, one day out of the blue, the father died, leaving her mother with lots of inheritance.

The mother had been having a secret affair and immediately went and married again.

The guy that she married had two beautiful daughters. Cinderella hated the sisters, and thought that she was superior to them.

The sisters were very kind to her, but she was selfish and mean. Many years passed, and everyone was very happy, except Cinderella, who became uglier and meaner as she got older. The two stepsisters took to doing housework, and even took care of Cinderella's room, as she was too lazy to do it herself.

Cinderella thought that her stepsisters were crazy, because she saw them one day, and they were talking to mice in clothes.

"Who talks to mice?" she thought to herself, "I am so much better than them, I am so much higher up, that should not have to bother to stoop to their level. I need no company."

She locked herself in her room, and played dress up games all by herself

The stepsisters often asked to join in, but Cinderella would haughtily refuse them, claiming that they would soil her clothes.

One day, a letter arrived from the Royal People. It invited the whole family to a ball, to see who could be and eligible bride for Prince Royal Guy. The ball wasn't going to be held for three months, but to Cinderella, that wasn't nearly enough time to get ready.

"Can we come too?" asked the two stepsisters.

Cinderella sniffed.

"No way! You would just be an embarrassment."

The stepsisters were upset, and ran away.

Three months until the ball was to be held, Cinderella went looking for a perfect dress.

She found seven that were absolutely perfect for her, but she couldn't decide which to buy, so she bought all seven, cut little pieces out of each dress, and sewed the pieces together to make a new dress.

Two months until the ball, Cinderella did her hair. She tried lots and lots of different styles, and finally found two nice styles and couldn't decide on which one to choose.

So she used both. She did a French Braid on one side of her head, and did a mini-bee hive on the other. She thought she looked glamorous.

And finally, during the last month until the ball, she did her make up.

She tried hundreds of combinations and eventually found that she couldn't decide between the combination of pinks, or the combinations of earthy colours. So she used both.

One of her eyes was pink shaded; the other was a light gold colour. One of her cheeks was pale pink; the other was a pale brown shimmer. One side of her mouth was dark pink, and one side was a shiny caramel colour.

She looked at herself in the mirror and said to herself, "I look so beautiful, the Prince Royal Guy has to choose me to be his bride."

The day of the Ball finally arrived, and Cinderella had been ready for three months.

She sat in her room all day, so that she would not spoil her outfit. When her coach arrived, she jumped in and went happily off to the ball without the stepsisters.

The stepsisters were in their rooms crying.

"We want to go to the ball too!"

As the tears fell, there was a PING! And a fat fairy in a suit appeared.

"Now mdears, what is the problem here?"

The stepsisters stared.

"Who are you?" they asked in unison.

"Why, I'm your fairy godfather. Now WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?"

"We want to go to the ball." came the reply.

"Well....for one, you need a car. Go and get me a tomato. And you need a coachman. Go and get me a pineapple. And you need horses. Go and get me six ants."

The stepsisters ran off. They returned clutching a tomato, a pineapple and six ants.

:Good, good, good. Now, this will be your transport!"

With a swish of the fairy godfathers wand, a shining golden coach, a coachman with spiky hair, and six pale gold horses.

"OOOHHH!!!! AAAHHH!" said the stepsisters.

"Now, off you go." said the fat fairy.

"Umm, fairy godfather?" asked a stepsister timidly.

"Yeeess?"

"We kind of need dresses."

"Oh YES! How could I forget???"

There was a PING, and one stepsister was dressed in a ruby red dress, with a nice hairdo, and the other was dressed in a shimmery blue dress and a nice hairdo.

"Now GO!" said the fairy godfather.

"THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the stepsisters called as they sped away in their glamorous coach.

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"Wow, I really must look gorgeous. Everyone's looking at me." Cinderella thought.

Cinderella walked straight over to Prince Royal Guy and tried to make conversation.

"So, are you the Prince?"

The Prince glared.

"Such spasticatedness I do not allow in my palace. Guards! Remove this person!"

Cinderella found herself outside in the garden.

She could hear everyone else inside having a good time.

"I deserve to be in there!" she thought angrily.

So she climbed in the window.

And the guards chucked her out.

So she climbed in the window.

And the guards chucked her out.

So she climbed up the wall into the upper level of the palace, and walked down the stairs into the Ball Hall.

And the guards chucked her out.

Just when the guards were threatening to shoot her and put her out of her misery, she said

"I don't care. You people are too low to deserve my presence."

And she walked out of the Ball and went home.

After she got home, she discovered that she wanted to be a bit more appreciative, so she went to the TV company and asked if she could go on "The Simple Life".

They agreed, and so she stayed on the show for twelve years before she actually became appreciative of her life.

So she got married and lived happily ever after.

The end." Arwen finished with a flourish.

"I didn't know that you watched reality TV!" Aragorn said accusingly.

Arwen shrugged.

"When there's nothing else on."

"Oh."

"Arwen?" Sam said.

"Yes?"

"Did you just make up that ending?"

Arwen blushed.

"Well, yes. I couldn't be bothered to tell you the real ending." She said guiltily.

"Ah well..." Faramir sighed.

"Yeah. It's your fault that you're so lazy." Aragorn said with mock sadness.

Arwen punched him playfully on the arm. And gave a gigantic yawn.

"Well, it looks like the lazy one and I should be off." said Aragorn.

"Oh, do you have to go??? You've hardly been here three hours!" Eowyn exclaimed.

"Well, if you want us to stay..." Arwen trailed off looking wistfully at the luxurious house.

"Won't you all stay for dinner?" Faramir asked.

All three Hobbits punched the air.

"YEAH! Call us when you're ready!"

They sped off in the direction of the arcade rooms.

"Legolas and Gimli, won't you join them?" Eowyn asked.

Gimli looked sulky.

"All I want to do is take off this ridiculous outfit." he grumbled.

Legolas grinned.

"Aw, okay. I'm actually quite impressed that you haven't died of embarrassment yet. I brought some of your other clothes, because I knew that you wouldn't be able to hold out too long."

Gimli was working furiously, trying to decide which was better; to lose a dare to an Elf, or to walk around feeling like a complete gay and loser.

"Hand over those clothes, Elf."

The electronic voice returned.

"Now transporting clothes to change room number four."

The clothes were plucked from Legolas's hands, and carried off.

"HEY! BRING BACK THOSE CLOTHES!!!" Gimli hollered.

Faramir grinned.

"It's okay Gimli. Change room number four is the first door on your right along that corridor." Faramir gestured to a corridor leading out of the living room.

Gimli left, and Legolas said that he'd meet him in the arcade rooms.

"What about you guys?" Eowyn asked Aragorn and Arwen.

"Could we just have a drink and stay here? Is that okay?" Arwen asked timidly.

"Sure. If you want a drink, you just..." Eowyn showed Arwen how to order a drink from the computer.

"We'll stay with you, in fact. We don't feel like doing anything, really." said Faramir.

Voices and laughter could be heard until well into the night.

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Well, that's it! I don't think that that was my best chapter ever, but anyway. Send me a review! =)

s


	6. Princess and the Pee

**Chapter Six: Princess and the Pee **

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters. But I wish I owned Legolas....hehe.

**A/N: **Hello again! Welcome back to my story! Hehehe. Hope you have fun reading it!

I'm kind of stuck for ideas at the moment. So don't blame me if this chapter turns out a bit bad. Read read read!

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"Do you know how many phone calls I've had to make?" Arwen complained to the rest of the company.

In all the excitement of Faramir's house, everyone had completely forgotten to organise a new meeting spot. (A/N: Hehe. My fault.)

"Yes, well, it's all sorted out now." Eowyn patted her arm.

"And Lord Elrond's loaded." said Pippin.

"So it doesn't matter how much money you spend on anything." said Merry.

Arwen glared.

"Oh, it's all right, everyone."said Legolas, "Are we all here?"

He looked around, and counted.

"Merry, Pippin, Sam, Arwen, Aragorn, Eowyn, Faramir, Gimli...Yep, that's everyone."

Arwen sat sulking in the corner until Aragorn got up, and took her outside for a moment.

She came back much happier.

"Now," said Legolas, "What would everyone like to eat and drink? I'm a little low on stock at the moment."

He waved his hand in the direction of a long wooden table, which was carved with leaves, and creaking under the weight of all the food and beverages that had been laid on it.

All of the company stared and the table, then back at Legolas.

"This is what you call 'low on stock'?" Pippin said in shock.

Aragorn, Gimli and Arwen laughed.

"It's kind of an Elf thing," Arwen explained to the shocked Hobbits

Eowyn and Faramir remained looking politely dumbstruck.

"Well, Elves eat a great deal. More than you would expect, because none of us are fat. You probably don't know Legolas well enough to know how much he can eat at one sitting."

Legolas laughed at the expressions on his companions faces.

"Oh, come on. I do a lot of exercise."

Sam looked enviously at Legolas.

"I reckon he's got a wheat machine (A/N: Hehe) or something inside of him. Everything he puts inside his mouth turns into wheat in his stomach, instead of flubber."

Legolas rolled his eyes.

"Let's get going! Whose turn is it now? I've lost track."

Arwen eyed him.

"Bull crap you've lost track."

"Okay, I know exactly whose turn it is," Legolas admitted, "I'm just trying to get it started."

Faramir cleared his throat.

"It's my go, I guess. I'm not the best story teller, though. Okay, here goes.

Once upon a time there lived a pretty young girl named Princess.

She lived in a huge gigantic palace with her mother and father, the king and queen of...Disneyland. Princess was very happy, because she had lots and lots of nice jewels and clothes to play with.

She also had a huge gigantic bed in her huge gigantic room.

The bed was very high off of the ground, and Princess had to climb a huge gigantic ladder to reach the top.

Her huge gigantic room had a very very very very very very very very very high ceiling, so high that at night, she couldn't see it.

Princess was playing one day on the internet, and was chatting to her friends on IMSTHLALALALORNFPI (Instant messaging service that has lots and lots and lots and lots of really nice features on it) and she didn't realise how late it was.

So she went up to her room, and began to climb up the ladder to her mattress, when she thought, "It would be fun to see how many mattresses my servants could pile onto my bed! It would be fun to sleep on."

So Princess woke up all of her servants, and ordered them to pile lots and lots of mattresses on her huge gigantic bed.

When there were no more mattresses left in the palace, Princess ordered the servants to break into the nearest sleep centre, and steal 5 mattresses each.

Each servant came back carrying 5 mattresses, which they piled on Princess's bed.

When there were 100 mattresses on the bed, Princess stopped the servants, and observed the progress.

"No," she said, "Go and break into a different sleep centre, and steal another 5 mattresses each."

So the loyal servants went and stole 5 mattresses each from a different sleep centre, and brought them back to Princess's room.

When there were 180 mattresses on the bed, Princess stopped the servants, and ovserved the progress.

"No, but it's nearly there," she said, "Go and get another...say...3 each. Then you will be done."

So the poor servants went and got another 3 mattresses each.

When there were 240 mattresses on the bed, Princess stopped the work, and observed again.

"Hmm....good work....but it's not high enough yet. Go and get 5 more each."

So the servants grumbled, and went and stole another 5 mattresses, and put them on her bed with great difficulty.

When all of the servants mattresses were on the bed, Princess stopped the work, and looked.

"No. Go and get..."

By the time Princess let the servants stop stealing mattresses, there were 567 mattresses on the bed, and several servants had been arrested.

Princess nodded.

"Good work. Now you may go to bed."

Princess climbed the ladder, and fell asleep immediately. In her slumber, she kicked out, and knocked the ladder over. It fell with a crash. Lucky her room was soundproof.

Princess awoke with a start, and realized that she REALLY had to go to the bathroom.

She reached out a hand to feel for a ladder, but there was nothing there.

She pulled out the torch that she always kept under her pillow, and shone it down.

Princess saw the ladder lying at the bottom of her bed.

Princess saw exactly how high up she was.

"Oh my god, it's a bloody long way down," she muttered, "and I REALLY have to go! But if I fall, I'll die. Maybe I can hold it until my servants come in with breakfast."

Princess pulled out the grandfather clock she always kept under her pillow, and looked at the time.

"Oh my god, my servants won't be in for another 3 hours! And my room is soundproof! And the door is closed! I'm going to die!!!"

Princess looked under her pillow for something useful.

"Okay, what have we got here...a kitchen knife...a plate...a cola can...a laptop computer...a dining table set...a blow up chair...a can of soup...seven spare sheets...a doorknob...a roof tile...a teddy bear...a dog collar....hey, I found my cat!"

Princess grumbled to herself.

"Why didn't I think of keeping a spare ladder under my pillow? I mean, everyone keeps a spare ladder under their pillow!"

So Princess sat on her bed, trying to think of something else other than a toilet.

After 10 minutes, Princess was desperate.

"Maybe I can slide down one of the corner poles of my bed."

Princess looked at the corner pole. It would be okay.

Her bathroom though a door right next to her bed, after all.

"Okay," said Princess, trying to hold it until she got to the bathroom.

She held onto the pole tightly, and began to slide.

Halfway down, she got her foot stuck in between the mattresses and the pole.

"Dammit!" she said, struggling to get free. But she soon stopped, because that didn't help her cause of not wetting her pants.

So she was stuck, halfway down the pole.

Princess wiggled her foot, and it came loose slowly.

When she was free, Princess continued to slide, until she reached the ground.

She kept her legs tightly together, and walked slowly and carefully, so that nothing jolted.

Princess made it to the bathroom.

And she only slept with one mattress after that."

Faramir finished his story, and looked embarrassed.

"Hey, what's wrong? That was a cool story!" Eowyn said.

"Really?" asked Faramir hopefully.

"Yeah. But I was wondering, where did it come from? Past experience?" Merry asked.

Faramir rolled his eyes.

"No, of course not. I asked my mother if I could sleep with ten mattresses on my bed once, and she told me that story."

"Oh...I-Legolas you have eaten quite enough!" Arwen said loudly.

Legolas had slowly been eating away at all the food while Faramir had been telling his story.

Legolas looked guilty.

"Sorry! I'm hungry. I only had a little bit to eat at lunch!"

Aragorn looked at him, and laughed.

"I don't think that the others trust your idea of 'a little bit' anymore, Legolas."

"Ona ta a'amin, Legolas." said Arwen as Legolas made to pick up another piece of food.

Legolas handed the piece of food to her meekly.

Arwen put it in her mouth, and chewed.

"Where did you get this, Legolas?" she asked.

"I'm not telling." said Legolas in a sing song voice.

"Oh, come on Legolas. This is quality Elven food! Tell me where!"

"No."

Arwen chased him out of his house, shouting , "Auta miqula orqu, Legolas!"

Aragorn got up laughing.

"I'll go and drag her away before she gets violent."

Everyone left in the house laughed.

"Um, let's be a bit more organized this time," said Eowyn, "Where shall we meet next time?"

Gimli spoke up.

"Er, you are all welcome to my place, if you'd like."

Eowyn smiled at him.

"That would be great. Everyone agree?"

Heads nodded.

Merry and Pippin stood up first.

"We're going to go now. We're gonna go to the arcade centre."

"Legolas and I were going to go as well," Gimli said, "Can we join you?"

"The more the merrier." Came the reply.

"Oi, Legolas!" Gimli shouted out of the door, "We're going to the arcade centre now, with the Hobbits!"

Eowyn and Faramir made for the door.

"We should be getting home too. We'll see you next time!"

"Bye, Arwen!"

"See ya, Aragorn!"

"Remember, it's at Gimli's place next time!"

With some final goodbyes, the company split up, and departed amidst chatter and laughter.

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Well, that wasn't too bad, was it?

Though the actual story of Faramir's was a little short....I'm running out of decent fairy tales...

Send me a review with some suggestions for my next story!

And if you don't have a suggestion, send me a review anyway!


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